Who are you doing it for, really?

or, admit you're proud, I dare you.

Dear reader,

It’s been a month since my last confession. And I must confess, I’ve not really felt sure what to write about. Maybe I need spring (I do). Maybe I’m a bit tired (see, very). Maybe I’ve been afraid to write something that might be crap, even though that’s not the point of all this (as I keep reminding myself). Putting pen to paper and writing something is better than nothing, right?

So I’ve been thinking (dangerous, I know) - that my self-doubt and sense of accomplishment are two sides of the same coin. And I’m not just talking about writing Substacks. I’m talking about everything, everywhere, in all aspects of life. Why do we do the things we do? Is it to please others or ourselves? What motivates us? And why can’t we admit we’re proud, without feeling bad?

Feeling proud is… a sin?

For generations, people have been taught that they shouldn’t be proud of, well, anything, lest they offend god or religion or give into self-devotion/self-justification/self-glory. Or something like that.

But in this modern day of ours, where lives are lived on screens, careers are carved out by confidence and vanity is a dish best served on social media, pride’s got a pretty big role to play. Even to us mere mortals working regular jobs, you’ve got to shout your accomplishments to be seen, heard or considered for a promotion or job offer. We have to sing our own praises from the top of our lungs in the hopes our voices rise above the rest. It may not feel like pride when we write and rewrite our accomplishments into CVs. But in a sense, it is. We’re all, individually, our biggest advocate, our number one fan. Because we just have to be.

I’m so vain

Even so, admitting that you’re proud is still really, really hard. I can count the number of times I’ve heard someone say ‘I’m really proud of that’ on one hand. I’m very fortunate that growing up (including now because honestly, I’m not done growing yet), my family and friends have told me that things I’ve done have made them proud, which is lovely, and makes me a very lucky person indeed. I also often find myself beaming with pride for the amazing things the people I love have done, are doing and will do in the future.

But admitting that I’m proud of myself? No way.

Now, that’s not to say I haven’t admitted it. I can be conceited when I want (or when the imposter syndrome takes a break). And that’s kind of my point. When I’ve said ‘I’m proud’ in the past, either I or the people I’m around have made some remark that what I’ve just said is pretty vain and ‘up myself’.

But, in this cosy little corner of the internet we’re sharing, I’ll be honest - I really do think it’s okay to be proud. We’re all pushing through the doomscrolling, the imposter syndrome, the unrealistic standards, the negativity, the black mirror of comparison to even just exist. So when something good happens or hard work pays off, a little pat on the back can make a big difference - especially if the hand doing the patting is your own.

I know it’s not a pat on the back, but you get the point…

Do it for yourself first

Like I said, I know I’m incredibly lucky to have people who care about me and want to see me to succeed - and I hope that never changes. But in the midst of my quarter life crisis (aka what am I doing, why am I doing it, yada yada yada…), I realised that making them feel happy and proud was more important to me than doing it for myself. My self-worth, intrinsically linked to the opinion of others? Not ideal.

When I did something good, my first instinct was to tell someone else. Like an addiction, I needed more. I didn’t want to make them proud - I needed to. Again and again and again. I never felt full, and I never felt like enough because I had to keep reaching for the next achievement. So, thanks to some therapy and a little frontal lobe development, I realised that doing things because I want to and feeling happy for myself first of all staves off the hunger pretty well.

Admit it (I dare you)

I’m not curing cancer (in case that wasn’t obvious - if I was, I’d defo be proud of that for sure). But pride is all subjective anyway. Like I’m proud we hit 2,000 subscribers this week, I’m proud I helped my brother with an essay, I’m proud I finished Red Dead Redemption 2, I’m proud of our cute new logo, I’m proud I’m keeping my screen time low(-ish), I’m not proud I didn’t fold my clothes but I am proud I finished writing this.

I told you I could be bigheaded when I want to.

Comment a few bits and bobs you’re proud of below and let your head swell with mine. Just make sure to duck under doorways.

~ Cesca