Care less or cry trying

or, don't plan your life away.

Hello reader,

As I write this, it’s almost 10pm. I’m on a train all alone and I feel it. Of course, I’m not really - I’ve got my phone in my hand and my loved ones just a message away. My boyfriend’s picking me up and I’m close to home. But right now, I’m turning my thoughts into notes into newsletters that I hope will help you and me find a bit of peace because tonight my mind is racing with thoughts that make me shudder as I travel home and try to relax.

Because that shudder is more than a shudder. It’s a shake. A convulsion. A rumble in the distance like thunder escaping from a dark cloud. A single question echoes around in my mind.

Why do I always have to care so much?

But first, how I got here.

It’s a school work night, but I’ve been an event. I was working today, but I’ve given up my hometime to go to a networking thing for creatives. It was good. Inspiring, interesting, informative, all the things it should be. I finally met some people I’ve only known through the cold hard computer screens of the post-Covid world which was nice. I even plucked up the courage to share some of the words I hastily wrote down during one of the workshops (which leaves me shaky but proud for the next 15 minutes).

But god am I embarrassing. No matter how hard I try, I’m still an insecure and anxious little introvert pretending she’s not one. I believe I used the words ‘fangirl’ and ‘fan’ more than once. (Note to self: don’t go up to someone and say ‘I’m a fan’ - especially someone you know because you follow them on LinkedIn and like their work and think their career is cool. It’s embarrassing for all parties involved - even if it’s true.)

And on top of all these insecurities, I feel scared, small and surrounded by people all chasing similar dreams. This is when the questions start. What am I doing? With my career? With my life? Will AI take my job? Will it take all our jobs? Should I do something else? Would I like anything else? Does any of this matter anyway? What’s the deal with climate change? Elections? Do I want kids? Do I want takeaway tonight?

So many questions, so little sleep to keep me sane. It’s way past my bedtime.

The duality of woman.

Woah, woah, woah.

I say all this to my boyfriend as I ring him from the train, rambling on as the effects of a glass or two of wine begin to wear off (because I’m an adult and adults drink wine and let’s be honest, it’s probably not helped the overthinking). He tells me that I’m a writer, I’m good at it, I like it but to stop thinking about it because it’s 10pm and I just need to come home (he’s right and very nice). He reminds me that none of those thoughts matter because I can’t do anything about them, so why am I worrying about it all anyway? And he asks me the only question he says is relevant tonight, which is what takeaway I want (veggie burger and fries just fyi).

That’s when the solution to all the (completely fabricated) problems (I’m creating in my head) comes to me. I need to care less.

These thoughts are normal. Scary? Yes. Slightly panic attack inducing? Yeah. But also very normal. So if you’ve had similar then hello and welcome to the Naive Edit.

It’s getting late and I’m tired, and maybe thoughts like this only rear their ugly heads when we start to wear thin, but that doesn’t make them unimportant.

I feel like I should say that I don’t think caring is by any means a bad thing. Someone I admire once told me that caring and empathy are traits that make us so much more valuable. You just get people in a different way (AI could never). It’s a double edged sword, but we really are so lucky to feel a lot and be moved so deeply.

It’s when ‘caring’ becomes ‘controlling’ that things get tricky.

We can care about the future - but we can’t ever fully control it.
We can care about people - but we can’t control if they love or leave us.
We can care about our careers - but we can’t control our jobs.

It’s just so easy to plan our lives away. I’ve never been a laidback person and if you are, I’m jealous. But surely even the most impulsive spirits still have inklings of how they think things should and shouldn’t be, or how they want them to go.

I think this is a particular problem if you’re a woman. You have a literal body clock inside you, ticking away, holding you at proverbial gunpoint to procreate before time runs out. Even if you know you don’t want kids, can’t have kids, do want kids or couldn’t care less right now either way, it’s still there.

So we end up giving so much of ourselves, our time and our thoughts (I mean, just look at me writing this) to caring about things we can’t control, and we become exhausted.

Generationally the evidence is all there too. There’s a reason that millennials are the first generation predicted to go backwards in terms of life expectancy, which doesn’t look too good for Gen Z, Gen Alpha or any of the other Gens to come.

Care as we might to slow things down and control every detail of our lives and plan and make things happen, we just can’t.

But what we can do is try.

Try to care less that you were embarrassing. Care less that you’ve been thrown off by a hit of anxiety. Care less that nothing’s certain. Care less that you care a lot.

and

Care more that you’re here right now. Care more that you have music and movies and food. Care more that there is good, even if it’s hard to see sometimes. Care more that you are definitely not alone, and things have a way of working themselves out.

So, how do we care just enough?

Trust me, I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over. So, alongside the blackcurrant gummy vitamins keeping my immune system in good working order, I’ve been making more of an effort to take tangible steps to stop me caring so much about all the crap that clouds my days and stops me focusing on the here and now, and the realisation that I can’t control everything but what I can do is do some good, for myself and for others.

Here are some things that have helped me and I hope might help you too, whether you’re a long-suffering-overthinking-care-too-much-er or you’re just a bit more stressed out than usual:

DO SOME HOBBIES

If you have some, do them. If you don’t, find some. There’s a supreme lie that women don’t have hobbies when, in fact, we do. I’m convinced that we just don’t make enough time for them because of all the other stuff we have on. So, from listening to music to cooking a nice dinner in the evening to reading and having a cup of tea to painting to puzzling to running to learning all about the Tudors to whatever, make some time for the things that keep your mind and your body feeling good. Try to keep these active an engaging though so don’t binge-watch tv or doomscroll through socials.

And hey, if you’re thinking that social media really isn’t the one right now, I happen to have recently quit myself and you can read all about it here…

The hot girl's guide to deleting social media

BE SELFISH

Care more about yourself with some self care. Run a bath or have an everything shower, do a face mask, go to therapy or even just create a really lovely meal plan that’ll keep you well nourished. Be selfish and self-compassionate - it works wonders.

WRITE IT DOWN

Take a leaf from my Substack book and pour your thoughts onto paper. If you’re brave, share them here. If you’d rather not, write them and throw them away. Or even, come back to them later and see if you feel any different. Don’t let it fester, let it go.

READ AND RELATE

It really helps me to not feel so alone when I’m feeling like this. And luckily, Substack is filled with so many people who have thoughts and opinions on topics like this one, sure, but also so many other wonderful things that are far more worthy of occupying your mind than caring about stuff you can’t control. Here are three of my favourites at the moment:

• The Hyphen: this cosy place for curious readers is a safe space where

  Emma Gannon
  covers all sorts of topic, including her experiences with burnout, creativity and so much more.

• Club Reticent: an exploration of what it’s like to be a person today written by

  Valerie
  whose own bio is ‘I write so I can think less’. Enough said.

• Evie en Rose: the place for all things fashion, food and thoughts. It takes me out of myself whenever I read it and it’s a literal feast for your eyes and stomach if you make

  Evie
  ’s recipes.

This is by no means meant to be a preachy piece, and I hope it didn’t feel that way. It’s just some thoughts from a girl travelling on a train and wondering how to shut her brain up when everything feels so big and much, who knows she’s not the only one out there who feels like this (the stats don’t lie, baby). And, from one anxious girly to another, if you have any tips or tricks on caring a bit less but in a good way, please let me know below.

For now, I wish you thanks and care for your eyes and your time,

~ Cesca